Since my teenage years and into my young adult life I have looked at myself as a friend of musicians and creative types. This typically was something I was ok with. I liked most of what my friends created and I felt a sense of confidence being a friend who tries to overwhelm them with support.
At the same time, the reality was I didn’t really feel confident that I really had anything to create myself. More so just being a supporter and glad when I got to hang out with people that had and did what I wished I was capable.
Fast forward to this past Friday night. I had the true honor of being the first act to play at this new local venue in downtown Canton called The Auricle. Not only was it this places first night, but it was my first time ever playing a real gig apart from open mic’s.
In the weeks leading up to this opportunity I said several times how weird this felt to me. I was actually preparing for something that only a couple years ago I admired others for doing. I’ve been uncertain whether actually doing something like this would embarrass me or others who give me the opportunity. But I’ve been blessed to have many instill confidence in me.
Sometimes I guess you have to trust what others see, rather than believing how you see yourself.
About two years ago I bought a cheap guitar. Uncertain whether I would stick to it, it ended up serving as quite the therapy for me, while I navigated through some real odd waters, trying to figure out who I was and where I was going. At the same time feeling a deep amount of emotion built up inside, but unsure how to express it in a healthy manner.
There were points where I could just strum the only two chords I knew and the emotion in the strumming seemed to be the only true expression that brought restfulness.
Then I moved to Canton. Once I started working with some great students I began feeling even more comfortable trying to get better at guitar. As I figured out how to move my fingers a little easier along the fret board, I felt like I needed to put some words down. That was the next logical step. I felt that there were songs inside, but I hadn’t an outlet to express.
So, about a year ago I started writing some words down and trying to sing them. I wrote from a place I knew. Experiences, people, or themes that are familiar to me. I know little about the structure of music or even what key I’m changing into when I put a capo on, but I know what I feel when I express the words.
It’s an odd thing to be flirty with thirty (27) and only now be picking this up. The musician folks slapping me five’s and giving me encouragement are 5-10 years younger than me. I feel old.
I can say that whenever I observed someone expressing something they created, it was always inspiring. It moved me somewhere to try to be more in tune with the things on my heart.
I’ve believed without articulating it much, that somehow when we wake up more to the rhythms of our heart we’re not finding a self-created pattern, but one that’s been there since our conception. And to neglect that rhythm is to put to death a part of ourselves that was ment to be active and free.
Maybe it’s not music. Maybe it’s photography, writing, using ideas to create redemptive change in your community, maybe it’s the art of speaking the language of children, maybe it’s a gift on stage to depict a story that brings people hope, maybe it’s using your speech to express words of life, beauty, and truth of the Creator that works to make all things new.
If I’m honest with myself and if we are honest with ourselves, I don’t think we want to be misunderstood. I suppose the songs I have are a personal experience, and if you hear them you get a piece of that experience too. Because when I play them I want to feel what I felt when I first played it alone in my apartment.
Much of the songs I’ve written I don’t look at has being very creative or fancy. They’re more less just me, having an outlet that makes me feel more normal, more alive, more human, and more beloved.
I hope my songs sound honest and true. I hope that if something happens to resonate with some folks that it gives them courage to find their own source of expression that makes them feel more at peace with themselves and the rhythms in their heart. And I hope if you hear one of my songs you know that you’re creative, loved and have what it takes to make something beautiful.
Really, if I can do this. So can you.
Just try it.
